This is the new hosting…
December 5th, 2011 Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »If this appears, you are on the new hosting platform.
The Jonola dance moves
January 1st, 2011 Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »I’m not much of a dancer, never have been. I just don’t get the point. You’re supposed to flap your body about in time to music that you don’t know very well, get laughed at by your friends and claim to enjoy it. What purpose does dancing serve? None. Zilch. Zero.
Over the years my attitude to dancing has never really changed, but not wanting to miss out on anything, I developed my own range of stupid dances to take the piss out of the ridiculous activity of dance. They have been written down on a scrappy piece of ripped paper that I’ve carried around in my wallet for a number of years, ready to be consulted should the moment arrive. A note that, during the snowboarding trip of 2003 with Mr Mark Rogers, now has the following, classic, sentence written on it.
‘Direct Ski Rep (we know your name), return the jacket that I perceive you wore from El Cau Wednesday night. It was you that stole it, je suis sur, if not, apologies! However, I will be writing to your MD @ HEAD OFFICE if you do not adhere! Do not underestimate who I know. X.’
And here is the list:
-
The Lawnmower
Pull The Pint
Shopping Trolley
Basketball
Spin The Pizza
Reverse The Car
Wash The Dishes
Tennis
Frisbee
Milking The Cow
Deal The Cards
Fishing
The Front Crawl
Pogo Stick
Space Hopper
Pneumatic Drill
Waterskier
Shag The Sheep
Surfer
Cement Mixer
Stir The Butter
Typewriter
Wash The Windows
The Mime
DJ
Birth Of The Cow
The Chicken
The Stephen Hawking
The Sprinkler
New Year Objectives 2010: the review
January 1st, 2011 Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »I’ll be honest, I’ve failed a lot this year. But I have bought somewhere to live, which was my absolute priority, so it’s not all been pizza bozes and empty beer cans. And I’ve read lots of books.
Here’s the overview.
Objectives:
- update this website at least 83 times: FAILED
18 posts (21.7% achieved)
- read at least 12 books: ACHIEVED
: 28 (233% achieved)
[Ian Rankin - The Complaints]
[Clive Cussler - The Wrecker]
[Dan Brown - The Lost Symbol]
[Lee Child - 61 Hours]
[Neil Cross - Captured]
[Danny Wallace - Friends Like These]
[Tess Gerritsen - The Mephisto Club]
[Harlan Coben - One False Move]
[Robert Harris - The Ghost]
[Richard Montanari - Broken Angels]
[Richard Montanari - The Rosary Girls]
[Sam Bourne - The Chosen One]
[James Herbert - The Secret of Crickley Hall]
[Luke Rhinehart - The Dice Man]
[Stephen King - Cell]
[Robert Ludlum - The Bancroft Strategy]
[Bernard Cornwell - Stonehenge]
[Harlan Coben - Tell No One]
[Richard Montanari - The Skin Gods]
[Harlan Coben - Gone For Good]
[JL Cannell - The Shakespeare Secret]
[Lee Child - Nothing To Lose]
[Harlan Coben - No Second Chance]
[David Baldacci - Absolute Power]
[Kathy Reichs - Break No Bones]
[Harlan Coben - Just One Look]
[Jonathan Hayes - Precious Blood]
[Anthony Bourke + John Rendall - A Lion Called Christian]
- work out and type up at least 21 (15 for 2010 plus 6 not completed in 2009) guitar tabs
: 15 (71.4% achieved)
[Hinder - Last Kiss Goodbye]
[Carly Simon - Nobody Does It Better]
[Mariah Carey - All I Want For Christmas Is You]
[AC/DC - Ride On]
[Band Of Horses - Compliments]
[Percy Sledge - When A Man Loves A Woman]
[Scouting For Girls - This Ain't A Love Song]
[John Mayer - Gravity]
[John Mayer - Friends, Lovers Or Nothing]
[David Ford - Waiting For The Storm]
[Bon Jovi - I'll Be There For You]
[Bon Jovi - In These Arms]
[The Eagles - Desperado]
[Oasis - Stop Crying Your Heart Out]
[Phil Medley + Bert Russell - Twist + Shout]
- redesign this website: ACHIEVED
- buy a new computer: ACHIEVED
- buy a house/flat: ACHIEVED
- give up alcohol until after the London Marathon: FAILED
- complete the London Marathon: FAILED
- sort out my eczema: ACHIEVED
- sell a t-shirt: FAILED
- have a holiday abroad: FAILED
- go to the Science Museum: FAILED
- go to the Natural History Museum: FAILED
- go to the Tower of London: FAILED
- go to Madame Tussauds: FAILED
- go to the Sherlock Holmes Museum: FAILED
- organise a university reunion: FAILED
New Year Objectives 2010 – September update
October 2nd, 2010 Posted in Personal Events | No Comments »So this month I’ve basically read some books. Because I live on a train for three hours a day, five days a week. But I also now have an iPhone…
Objectives:
- update this website at least 83 times: 18 posts so far in 2010
(21.7% achieved vs 75% of year gone)
- read at least 12 books: ACHIEVED
: 23 so far in 2010
[Danny Wallace - Friends Like These]
[Tess Gerritsen - The Mephisto Club]
[Harlan Coben - One False Move]
[Robert Harris - The Ghost]
[Richard Montanari - Broken Angels]
[Richard Montanari - The Rosary Girls]
[Sam Bourne - The Chosen One]
[James Herbert - The Secret of Crickley Hall]
[Luke Rhinehart - The Dice Man]
[Stephen King - Cell]
[Robert Ludlum - The Bancroft Strategy]
[Bernard Cornwell - Stonehenge]
[Harlan Coben - Tell No One]
[Richard Montanari - The Skin Gods]
[Harlan Coben - Gone For Good]
[JL Cannell - The Shakespeare Secret]
[Lee Child - Nothing To Lose]
[Harlan Coben - No Second Chance]
[David Baldacci - Absolute Power]
[Kathy Reichs - Break No Bones]
[Harlan Coben - Just One Look]
[Jonathan Hayes - Precious Blood]
[Anthony Bourke + John Rendall - A Lion Called Christian]
- work out and type up at least 21 (15 for 2010 plus 6 not completed in 2009) guitar tabs
: 12 so far in 2010 (57% achieved, 75% of year gone)
[AC/DC - Ride On]
[Band Of Horses - Compliments]
[Percy Sledge - When A Man Loves A Woman]
[Scouting For Girls - This Ain't A Love Song]
[John Mayer - Gravity]
[John Mayer - Friends, Lovers Or Nothing]
[David Ford - Waiting For The Storm]
[Bon Jovi - I'll Be There For You]
[Bon Jovi - In These Arms]
[The Eagles - Desperado]
[Oasis - Stop Crying Your Heart Out]
[Phil Medley + Bert Russell - Twist + Shout]
- redesign this website: ACHIEVED
- buy a new computer: ACHIEVED
- buy a house/flat: ACHIEVED
- give up alcohol until after the London Marathon: FAILED
- complete the London Marathon: FAILED
- sort out my eczema: ACHIEVED
- sell a t-shirt
- have a holiday abroad
- go to the Science Museum
- go to the Natural History Museum
- go to the Tower of London
- go to Madame Tussauds
- go to the Sherlock Holmes Museum
- organise a university reunion
Text Archive 2010
September 25th, 2010 Posted in Text Archive | No Comments »|
01/01/2010
Getty pad near!
Simon S
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01/01/2010
Heady ned yard!
Simon S
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21/01/2010
Do you want to come to a charity do at the weekend? It’s for women with no legs. The dance floor will be crawling with fanny.
Simon H
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29/01/2010
Amazing. Drummer had a wank and burst a blood vessel and gone to hospital.
Alex MacH
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02/02/2010
I see Wayne Bridge refuses to play for England whilst John Terry remains captain. Let’s hope he shags Emile Heskey’s missus before the summer.
Paul T
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15/02/2010
I can play that Haiti song on the guitar you know.
Simon S
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16/02/2010
I bought some Sainsbury’s sausages yesterday. On the front it has a picture of Jamie Oliver. On the back it says ‘prick with a fork’. No arguments there.
Shaun H
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17/02/2010
I think I mayhabe tequiad myself into. A bad place. Is she Austrian? Strange accent. Sounds Aussie. Who knows. I hate badgers.
Nick J
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22/02/2010
After being told to keep it safe, I just covered my signed copy of the official secrets act in chocolate digestives. Oops.
Shaun H
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04/03/2010
She sounds like a keeper
Simon H
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04/03/2010
David James
Simon H
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23/03/2010
I used to date a girl with eczema… cracking tits!
Simon H
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01/04/2010
It’s my last day today. So far it has consisted mainly of playing with a football made of tape and foam in an empty hangar! Awesome!
Shaun H
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01/04/2010
Come to the Elephant!
Devi L
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11/04/2010
A man staggers into a hospital with concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five-iron wound tightly round his throat. The doctor asked ‘what happened to you?’ ‘Well, I was playing golf with my wife when we sliced our golf balls into a field of cows. I found one stuck in a cow’s fanny. I yelled to my wife ‘this looks like yours’. I don’t remember much after that…’
Dave M
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11/04/2010
A woman wakes up having having a vaginal tuck to find three bunches of flowers on the window sill. One from her surgeon to say ‘all went well’, another from he husband to say ‘get well soon’ and one from Tom in the Burns Unit to say ‘thanks for the new ears!
Dave M
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13/04/2010
Great weekend of sport. Went to Wembley on Sunday, haven’t seen that many Jews that quiet on a train since the 1940′s.
Paul T
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15/04/2010
Ha. Yes, am tummy glad it was me too. Am fine thanks, just started popping out this week though, so it’s off to the shops we go.
Liz C
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16/04/2010
What’s the difference between the icelandic volcano and Cheryl Cole? The volcano’s still blowing ash.
Simon H
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24/04/2010
Actually just found some Chinese Five Spice, facing backwards, at the back of a kitchen cupboard. LOVE Michael McIntyre!
Simon S
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25/04/2010
Shitboat.
Simon S
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15/05/2010
Ah, wedding dancing. Tragic. Although even I had a bit of a shuffle to Don’t Stop Believing.
Ben J
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28/05/2010
The government have gone way over the top with job cuts. I’ve just heard three prostitutes have been axed in Bradford.
Shaun H
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30/05/2010
You actually made me laugh out loud. “LOL”… I hate that expression so much. That and wankers that txt missing out rndm ltrs. C u l8r m8. Cunts.
Shaun H
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08/06/2010
I just had an argument with a girl I know. She was saying that it’s unfair that if a guy sleeps with a different girl every week he’s a legend, but if a girl sleeps with just two guys in a year, she’s a slut. So in response I told her that if a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it’s a shitty lock.
Shaun H
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10/06/2010
Did I just send you that Alzheimers joke?
Paul T
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11/06/2010
Stupid fat gay dolphin
Simon H
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11/06/2010
Michelle has just had one of your May 2009 Stellas. She could NOT be less happy with the taste.
Simon S
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16/06/2010
What did the Scottish epileptic get for Christmas? A wii fit.
Shaun H
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18/06/2010
Recent conversation with your mum and stepdad in the high street:
Me: “what happened to your thumb?” Mike: “I’ve had something cut out” Your mum: “it’s not as big as it was” Me: “how about the thumb?” Mike: “anyway, got to go” Simon H
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26/06/2010
England fans have been told to arrive at the stadium early on Sunday to get a seat before it has a towel on it.
Shaun H
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06/07/2010
If anyone in the North East knows where gunman Raoul Moat is, please tell him that John Terry, Frank Lampard, Ashley Cole & Wayne Rooney also shagged his girlfriend.
Simon S
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13/07/2010
Guess who’s all a highly skilled visa’d migrant and stuff?
Becky F
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09/08/2010
I am now sat in a swanky air-conditioned bar, in a very comfy seat overlooking the runway, drinking a cold beer. I hate Mondays.
Shaun H
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21/08/2010
Splendarama
Simon S
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02/09/2010
“Good morning, this is Pakistani Radio Sports News… here are tomorrow’s cricket results…”
Simon H
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Why I don’t trust online reviews
September 18th, 2010 Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »I buy a lot of stuff online. I don’t think I’m alone, it’s just the modern way. I am also a planner, I research and find out as much as I can about a product before clicking on the ‘buy’ button. During the course of this research, I often read through consumer reviews of the product I’m interested in, just to see if there are any common complaints and whether or not I’d therefore be better off with an alternative product. But I’ve come to realise that I can’t trust these reviews, nor can I trust the average star rating that so many sites now employ. Why? Because some of the people that write reviews are just idiots. Some reviews are helpful and I am grateful for the inside information, but some people should not be allowed to give their opinion.
Take, for example, the time when I was looking to buy a wireless printer. I’d drawn up a shortlist, compared prices and decided it would be a good idea to read some reviews.
One out of five. “Looks great but I had real trouble installing it”. That’s because you’re a fucking moron, it took me five minutes. Read the instructions. Get a brain.
Three out of five. “Delighted. Would definately buy again”. Yet you only give it three stars. And it’s bloody well spelled D-E-F-I-N-I-T-E-L-Y.
And then there’s this one on Amazon that I discovered this morning
3.0 out of 5 stars “surprisingly ok..”, 13 April 2009
By Mrs. H. L. S******
This review is from: Dyson DC24 Multi Floor Ultra-lightweight Dyson Ball Upright Vacuum Cleaner (Kitchen & Home)
I bought this dyson, not really realising the size of it… I had read previous reviews but didnt really take in how small it was! I was very disappointed when I opened the box and saw it..However, I’ve kept it as it is actually very good, I want to say its rubbish etc but it isnt.. On the other hand, I only have carpets upstairs, I would suggest the bigger model for a house full of carpets. Its really light to use on the stairs and the suction is pretty good too. I suffer with Rheumatoid Arthritis and its light and easy to use on my joints. It makes me laugh everytime I look at it, as it looks like a toy one. I would rate this item as 8 out of 10.
Right. So you spent £200 on a product without actually looking into what it was and you come back to Amazon and give the product three stars out of five when it’s YOUR FAULT that you didn’t research it properly. It is not the product’s fault that it is the wrong size for you, it is your fault for having a small mushy pea for a brain and the general intelligence of a garden gnome. If you didn’t like the size of it, why didn’t you return it to Amazon and go for the bigger model instead? And then you say that you “would rate this item as 8 out of 10″, yet you’ve given it three stars out five which anybody with the slightest mathematical ability will be able to tell you, is the equivalent of 6 out of 10.
Was this review helpful to me? Yes, it was helpful in making me realise how unhelpful product reviews can be.
Big Iss-choo
September 1st, 2010 Posted in Amusing Events | No Comments »It had been a pretty busy morning. One of those mornings when everybody wanted something right away. Learning to prioritize is crucial in the digital world, some things just have to take preference over others. So it got to lunchtime, in fact it got to well after lunchtime, and my stomach began to rumble so I wandered onto Kensington High Street, my mind still on my work, in search of something to eat.
I heard a man sneeze. Quite loudly, as it happens, and automatically I said ‘bless you’ and thought nothing more of it. It was at this point that I regretted not paying more attention to what was going on around me. The man simply stared back at me, a fierce glare seemingly going straight through to my soul. I thought I’d done a good deed, yet this man looked like he wanted to kill me. And then I took in the bigger picture.
I glanced down to his hands where he was holding several copies of a magazine. It turns out the man had called out “Big Issue”, which I took to be a sneeze and blessed him for it, which I’m sure can’t have helped. I felt a little guilty. But not guilty enough to buy the magazine.
New Year Objectives 2010 – August update
September 1st, 2010 Posted in Personal Events | No Comments »So this month I’ve basically read some books. Because I live on a train for three hours a day, five days a week. But I also now have an iPhone…
Objectives:
- update this website at least 83 times: 14 posts so far in 2010
(16.9% achieved vs 66% of year gone)
- read at least 12 books: ACHIEVED
: 19 so far in 2010
[Richard Montanari - Broken Angels]
[Richard Montanari - The Rosary Girls]
[Sam Bourne - The Chosen One]
[James Herbert - The Secret of Crickley Hall]
[Luke Rhinehart - The Dice Man]
[Stephen King - Cell]
[Robert Ludlum - The Bancroft Strategy]
[Bernard Cornwell - Stonehenge]
[Harlan Coben - Tell No One]
[Richard Montanari - The Skin Gods]
[Harlan Coben - Gone For Good]
[JL Cannell - The Shakespeare Secret]
[Lee Child - Nothing To Lose]
[Harlan Coben - No Second Chance]
[David Baldacci - Absolute Power]
[Kathy Reichs - Break No Bones]
[Harlan Coben - Just One Look]
[Jonathan Hayes - Precious Blood]
[Anthony Bourke + John Rendall - A Lion Called Christian]
- work out and type up at least 21 (15 for 2010 plus 6 not completed in 2009) guitar tabs
: 12 so far in 2010 (57% achieved, 66% of year gone)
[AC/DC - Ride On]
[Band Of Horses - Compliments]
[Percy Sledge - When A Man Loves A Woman]
[Scouting For Girls - This Ain't A Love Song]
[John Mayer - Gravity]
[John Mayer - Friends, Lovers Or Nothing]
[David Ford - Waiting For The Storm]
[Bon Jovi - I'll Be There For You]
[Bon Jovi - In These Arms]
[The Eagles - Desperado]
[Oasis - Stop Crying Your Heart Out]
[Phil Medley + Bert Russell - Twist + Shout]
- redesign this website: ACHIEVED
- buy a new computer: ACHIEVED
- buy a house/flat: ACHIEVED
- give up alcohol until after the London Marathon: FAILED
- complete the London Marathon: FAILED
- sort out my eczema: ACHIEVED
- sell a t-shirt
- have a holiday abroad
- go to the Science Museum
- go to the Natural History Museum
- go to the Tower of London
- go to Madame Tussauds
- go to the Sherlock Holmes Museum
- organise a university reunion
New Year Objectives 2010 – July update
August 1st, 2010 Posted in Personal Events | No Comments »The most observant amongst you will notice that there was no June update. I sense your relief. However, there was good reason for this oversight. I have been busy buying somewhere to live! So I’m now a “massive homo-ner”, as my friends would put it. I need new friends -- maybe that’s an objective for next year! Anyway, for your boredom, read on.
Objectives:
- update this website at least 83 times: 13 posts so far in 2010
(15.7% achieved vs 58% of year gone)
- read at least 12 books: ACHIEVED
: 15 so far in 2010
[Luke Rhinehart - The Dice Man]
[Stephen King - Cell]
[Robert Ludlum - The Bancroft Strategy]
[Bernard Cornwell - Stonehenge]
[Harlan Coben - Tell No One]
[Richard Montanari - The Skin Gods]
[Harlan Coben - Gone For Good]
[JL Cannell - The Shakespeare Secret]
[Lee Child - Nothing To Lose]
[Harlan Coben - No Second Chance]
[David Baldacci - Absolute Power]
[Kathy Reichs - Break No Bones]
[Harlan Coben - Just One Look]
[Jonathan Hayes - Precious Blood]
[Anthony Bourke + John Rendall - A Lion Called Christian]
- work out and type up at least 21 (15 for 2010 plus 6 not completed in 2009) guitar tabs
: 12 so far in 2010 (57% achieved, 58% of year gone)
[AC/DC - Ride On]
[Band Of Horses - Compliments]
[Percy Sledge - When A Man Loves A Woman]
[Scouting For Girls - This Ain't A Love Song]
[John Mayer - Gravity]
[John Mayer - Friends, Lovers Or Nothing]
[David Ford - Waiting For The Storm]
[Bon Jovi - I'll Be There For You]
[Bon Jovi - In These Arms]
[The Eagles - Desperado]
[Oasis - Stop Crying Your Heart Out]
[Phil Medley + Bert Russell - Twist + Shout]
- redesign this website: ACHIEVED
- buy a new computer: ACHIEVED
- buy a house/flat: ACHIEVED
- give up alcohol until after the London Marathon: FAILED
- complete the London Marathon: FAILED
- sort out my eczema: ACHIEVED
- sell a t-shirt
- have a holiday abroad
- go to the Science Museum
- go to the Natural History Museum
- go to the Tower of London
- go to Madame Tussauds
- go to the Sherlock Holmes Museum
- organise a university reunion
New Year Objectives 2010 – May update
June 1st, 2010 Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »Whilst these updates are usually days and days late, this one happens to be super-efficiently on time. Enjoy it, won’t you.
Objectives:
- update this website at least 83 times: 12 posts so far in 2010
(14.5% achieved vs 42% of year gone)
- read at least 12 books
: 11 so far in 2010
[Harlan Coben - Tell No One]
[Richard Montanari - The Skin Gods]
[Harlan Coben - Gone For Good]
[JL Cannell - The Shakespeare Secret]
[Lee Child - Nothing To Lose]
[Harlan Coben - No Second Chance]
[David Baldacci - Absolute Power]
[Kathy Reichs - Break No Bones]
[Harlan Coben - Just One Look]
[Jonathan Hayes - Precious Blood]
[Anthony Bourke & John Rendall - A Lion Called Christian]
- work out and type up at least 21 (15 for 2010 plus 6 not completed in 2009) guitar tabs
: 12 so far in 2010 (57% achieved, 42% of year gone)
[AC/DC - Ride On]
[Band Of Horses - Compliments]
[Percy Sledge - When A Man Loves A Woman]
[Scouting For Girls - This Ain't A Love Song]
[John Mayer - Gravity]
[John Mayer - Friends, Lovers Or Nothing]
[David Ford - Waiting For The Storm]
[Bon Jovi - I'll Be There For You]
[Bon Jovi - In These Arms]
[The Eagles - Desperado]
[Oasis - Stop Crying Your Heart Out]
[Phil Medley & Bert Russell - Twist & Shout]
- redesign this website: ACHIEVED
- buy a new computer: ACHIEVED
- buy a house/flat: about to exchange contracts, won’t be long…
- give up alcohol until after the London Marathon: FAILED
- complete the London Marathon: FAILED
- sort out my eczema: ACHIEVED
- sell a t-shirt
- have a holiday abroad
- go to the Science Museum
- go to the Natural History Museum
- go to the Tower of London
- go to Madame Tussauds
- go to the Sherlock Holmes Museum
- organise a university reunion
